shy to be shy

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim

Suatu masa dahulu, penghujung tahun 2010. A girl added me in facebook. Let me name her as A. She is one year younger than me. Initially i thought she was like other random friends, who add people to expand their social circle. But obviously she is not. Her first question when she first approached me was,

“What do you know about Islam?”

I was speechless. Thought she was trying to tease or to provoke me or whatnot. Initially, i was even suspicious whether she’s being honest or not, because she hide her background, her school, her details and I can’t even see her real face, her profile picture did not look like the same person each time it was changed. Was she trying to play around?

But I just try to look at her with positive assumptions. And as time goes by, we got closer and closer to each other. She said she came from a muslim family who don’t practise Islam, she was not used to the prayers, fasting, covering ‘aurah and many more. And she was eager to know about the religion for more.

Her interest was about this beautiful religion, Islam. She asked so many things about it. Even i was sometimes clueless to answer her critical questions. I know she never intended to make anything look complicated, she was just voicing out what she wanted to know.

And that’s how the relationship goes on.

A month ago, she suddenly apologized to me. i was surprised but i just said that she was already forgiven. Her reply was,

“Then could I leave calmly”

“A, could you please explain, what’s going on actually?”

At first, she hesitated to do so. But later, she explained everything. she told me that she had a disease that needs an operation which survival chance is 50-50. She might be fully handicapped for the rest of life, or even with eyes blinded.

And she cancelled the permission for operation at the last minute.

“i want to leave with my body complete”

And the estimated remainder of her lifespan at that time was a month, or less.

And starting from that moment, each time i went online, she would approach me, asking for advices and such.

And she said, she just wanna spend the short remaining time feeling thankful of all that Allah had given her, know her friends more and spend her time with the beloved ones.

And what she kept repeating each time we have a chat was,

for me to take the responsibility to spread Islam.

“mereka memerlukan manusia seperti kalian”

Few days later, i got the news of her death from a mutual friend.

I never know how to explain my feelings at that time.

I don’t know why my heart feels very heavy

To accept a reality that we hope to be a fantasy.

It’s still fresh in my mind when she said, that she felt like she really wanted to meet me. though we had never met before. Subhanallah, how beauty ukhuwah is when the one connecting it is Islam.

I miss her so much.

Allah, unite us in Jannah.

***

Approximately a month ago, a women added me in facebook. I was told that she’s A’s mother.

and on her wall post i saw this,

“better die if life without her”

Followed by this,

“the ending of life”

A junior of mine, who also knew A, asked me to approach A’s mom since according to him, their faith is weak, and it’s not impossible if they do something ridiculous.

Honestly i don’t know where to start from. To approach a woman who is ages older than you? Whom you had never met before? And never talked to?

But all i can do, is to just start.

Just start.

I PM-ed her.

I just introduce myself briefly. Explain how i know A, since when did i know her and about her deep curiosity to find the light of Islam.

I haven’t finished my words yet

And she suddenly replied,

“that’s why i add you”

I was, surprised

“diyana”

“help me”

Surprised for more.

“auntie sedih. dunia ini dah kosong. auntie tiada pedoman dan matlamat hidup”

“diyana”

“bantu aunti”

“auntie dah niat untuk pergi ikut A esok”

“tp dengan cara yang salah”

Speechless.

She said she planned to commit suicide a day after.

Subhanallah, this is seriously no coincidence.

But all planned by Allah.

I suddenly wondered what if i just keep on staying silent, being scared of what she might reply when i approach her? Keep on being shy?

Astaghfirullahalazim.

Astaghfirullahalazim.

And when she said she really need my help, she barely want to know more about Islam, i feel even more guilty. Astaghfirullahalazim, how bad i am if I continue staying silent and not spread this religion.

Subhanallah.

I couldn’t stop tears from rolling out of my eyes

Ashamed of what Allah is trying to tell me.

Each time i say few very simple things about Islam. She would say,

“tidak dapat digambarkan betapa sebaknya auntie. diyana. thanks! thanks! thanks!”

Many of us refused to correct others, to encourage people to good things and to spread this religion because of shyness. As well as the assumption that, they will give negative response, scold you and will hate you.

But,

WHAT IF THEY DON’T?

And what if they are actually barely waiting for someone to correct them?

Kerja-kerja ini, kalau takut orang akan membenci, sampai bila-bila kita tak akan mula, tapi kerja-kerja ini bukan bertujuan supaya orang sayang kita, tetapi mengekspresikan kasih kita pada mereka.

Balasan kasih dari manusia cuma bonus.

Kita mengharapkan kasih Allah.

“auntie hampir melakukan kesalahan yang besar esok”

Tiap-tiap kali aku teringat ayat itu,

Aku terdiam lagi.